How to Fight Fair Even When They Don’t
We’ve all been there. You’re in the middle of a heated argument, and it feels like the other person has tossed all the rules of fair fighting out the window. Voices rise, tempers flare, and suddenly you’re caught in the swirl of anger, defensiveness, and frustration. It’s exhausting. And honestly? It can leave you questioning whether calm, respectful conflict is even possible.
But here’s the thing: even if the other person isn’t fighting fair, you can. And your choice to do so can change the entire direction of the conversation. Let’s look at some practical ways to keep your cool—and your dignity—when emotions are running high.
1. Keep your tone level, even if your emotions are not.
Your voice sets the temperature of the room. If you raise your volume, chances are they’ll raise theirs, too. But if you can keep your tone calm and steady, it creates a contrast that makes the other person’s intensity harder to sustain. You may still feel heated inside, but your measured tone helps you stay grounded—and shows you’re serious about resolving, not escalating.
2. Control your breathing.
It sounds simple, but slowing your breathing is like hitting a reset button for your nervous system. When we’re upset, we naturally take shallow, fast breaths, which tells our body we’re in “fight or flight” mode. A few deep, steady breaths can bring your stress level down just enough to think more clearly and keep your words measured.
3. Stick to the facts.
When emotions rise, it’s easy to slip into exaggeration: “You always…” or “You never…” But sweeping statements usually make things worse. Instead, stick to specific facts. Say, “Yesterday, when this happened, I felt…” That way you’re grounding the conversation in reality rather than piling on assumptions.
4. Don’t get swept up in emotions.
You can acknowledge your feelings without letting them run the show. Picture yourself as an observer—watching your emotions instead of being dragged away by them. This little bit of mental distance helps you pause before reacting and respond in a way that honors both you and the relationship.
5. Ask a grounding question.
Sometimes, the best way to reset the conversation is to ask a question that brings perspective. Try something like, “Would you be against finding a calmer way forward?” It’s not sarcastic or attacking—it’s a gentle reminder that you’re aiming for respect and calm, even in disagreement.
Conflict is never fun, and it can be deeply frustrating when the other person won’t meet you halfway. But you don’t have to match their energy. By keeping your tone level, breathing deeply, sticking to facts, holding back from emotional spirals, and asking grounding questions, you can fight fair—even when they don’t. And in the process, you not only protect your peace, but you set the stage for healthier conversations in the future.
Walking with you,
