Say What You Mean, But Don’t Say It Mean: Communicate Clearly and Kindly in Relationships

You’ve probably heard the saying, “Say what you mean, but don’t say it mean.” It’s one of those nuggets of wisdom that sounds simple, but if you’re anything like me, you’ve probably tripped over it more than once. It’s not just about speaking the truth—it’s about speaking the truth in love (as the Bible encourages in Ephesians 4:15). Let’s break it down.

Speak Clearly, But With Compassion

Sometimes we think we have to be blunt or even a little “sharp” to get our point across. But here’s the thing—just because we’re clear doesn’t mean we’re being kind. It’s one thing to say, “I don’t like that outfit,” and another to say, “Wow, you really missed the mark with that one.” Both may be honest, but only one of them is helpful.

Think about the difference between truth-telling and truth-bombing. Truth-telling opens up a conversation; truth-bombing shuts it down. Choose your words carefully, my friend.

The Power of Softening

I know, I know—sometimes we just want to get it off our chest, and the words seem to burst out before we can stop them. It’s like when you’re hungry, and you snap at your spouse about dinner, even though they’re trying their best to be helpful. Here’s a tip: take a breath, pause, and soften the message. Instead of, “Why didn’t you get what I asked for?” try something like, “I appreciate you picking up dinner. I just realized I forgot to mention one detail.” Same point, way less tension.

By softening your delivery, you give your words the chance to land in a way that invites understanding rather than setting off an emotional firestorm.

Timing is Everything

You know what they say—timing is everything, right? There’s a huge difference between calling someone out during a stressful moment and addressing an issue calmly when things are a little more relaxed. Have you ever tried to have a serious conversation when your spouse is already frustrated with something else? That’s not the time for a deep discussion on communication!

So, pick your battles—and your moments. Approach the topic when both of you can hear each other without the weight of a million other distractions.

The “When This Happens, I Feel” Technique

Here’s a nifty little communication trick that works wonders: use “When this happens, I feel…” language. Instead of saying, “You always leave your dirty socks on the floor,” try, “When I see socks left on the floor, I feel frustrated.” See the difference? One is a direct attack, and the other is an invitation to understand.

This phrasing not only keeps the conversation non-accusatory, but it also shifts the focus from blame to your own experience. It’s less about them being wrong, and more about how you can both make things better moving forward.

Choose Your Battles, But Always Keep Respect in Mind

Sometimes, we’ll have to have tough conversations. There are things that need to be said. But if your words are always coming across as criticism or harsh judgment, your relationship is going to suffer. Keep in mind that the goal is not to win the argument, but to strengthen the relationship.

At the end of the day, saying what you mean with kindness can transform conflict into an opportunity for growth. So, next time you feel a comment bubbling up, remember: you can speak the truth and still be gentle.

And if you ever catch yourself thinking, “I should have said that differently,” don’t be too hard on yourself—just remember, tomorrow is another day to practice!